When a student is struggling in their classes, the time of the year when report cards are released can be a time of overwhelming tension, stress, and anxiety for both the child and parent. These types of negative “report card interactions” impact the environment of the household as they not only put a strain on the relationship between you and your child; they can actually take a toll on your child’s academic performance as well. So how can we take these difficult situations and use them to evoke positive, constructive interactions? 

The Fear Factor: “Tiger Parent”   

A “Tiger Parent” is the type of parent that elicits fear within their child regarding their academic endeavors, whether this be through constant displays of heavy disdain and/or anger with their child, excessive punishments, or an overall aggressive approach to their child’s academic status. Many parents will unconsciously display some of these behaviors, ironically, out of love and care; however, such behaviors do not translate that way to the child.   

I once had a friend who had what I’d like to call “Tiger Parents.” He was struggling in his classes and was afraid of the reaction he would receive from his parents at the sight of his report card. This fear became so great, that he actually paid a friend of his to Photoshop his report card grades into more appealing ones, rather than choose to academically work his way up to an ideal report card each time. This is a display of exactly what the “Tiger Parent” persona can do to a child—such distress being generated in a child can actually cause an adverse effect on the struggling student, causing distance between themselves and their parents.       

Changing The Atmosphere   

When struggling students enter into an environment where they are shrouded with the anxiety of fear, it sets the foundation for an automatically negative “report-card-presenting-experience;” and no parent would ever want to set that type of a foundation for their child.   

Although parents have good intentions for their children, sometimes the disappointed natures in which they approach their children’s report cards can be mistranslated to the child and make them more likely to become heated rather than cooperative.  

It’s Not all About the Letters: An Understanding Approach   

In order to communicate well with a struggling student, the first approach a parent needs to take is an approach of understanding. Parents usually have a default way of looking at the letter grades and making immediate negative assumptions, then proceeding to automatically react accordingly, without allowing any space for the child to explain.   

Let’s say your child brings home a report card, smack dab with lesser-than-ideal letters. Before reacting directly to the letters with an automatic face of disapproval, look to your child first. Go through the report card with them and allow them to explain such letter grades. When you look to your child first without the face of judgment, he/she will be more likely to cooperate and participate in healthy discourse with you regarding their academic standings.   

Let Them Be Heard: Controlling Impulses     

Once your child has expressed their struggles, the reaction that you might have would be the impulse to regard your child’s expressions as simply “explanations” and “justifications” for not doing too well. Make sure to back up when this impulse to go on a tangent occurs. Your child will feel most loved and encouraged when they feel as though they are being heard and listened to by you. When they feel heard, they will be more willing to allow you to work with them on how they can attack their academic struggles in order to produce more ideal letter grades for their next report card.   

Displays of deep disappointment and spurts of discouragement can cause what is referred to as “Self-Prophesized Fulfillment,” a phenomenon where (in this context) a child hears/sees such deep negative talk towards them that can cut so deeply to the point to where they will begin to believe that that is what they are: a disappointment—that they will always be a disappointment. This causes loss of hope and for children and will decay any remaining academic motivation to build themselves up. Remember that your words to your child as a parent make a huge impact on them during such malleable stages of life.   

Eating Humble Pie: Positive Reinforcement…and Ice Cream too!   

This is probably the most important part of all: Positively Reinforcing your child’s achievements. It’s easy for any parent to see a child with a report card studded with “A’s” and take them out for ice cream. However, let’s say a child brings home a report card that might seem like a mess. Although it may not be easy to accept that your child is not exactly presenting the cream of the crop, take the time to accept it. Then realize this: Whether a child scores “A’s” or “C’s,” every student still has strengths and weaknesses, and each report card is a display of such—really look into the report card to see the ways in which your child has grown in their strengths.   

For instance, take the time to see that although your child did not exactly score an “A” in math and rather, earned a “C”, notice that he/she did happen to score higher in their math class with that “C” in comparison to their last report card’s math score of a “D.” Celebrate that improvement, and make it known to them that you are proud of that achievement. This positive reinforcement will point out to your child that you have faith in them as a student and will encourage them to want to do well. There’s always a good reason to take your child out for ice cream!